A Beautiful Mind

I didn’t update my web-log in the whole week & series of comment on my last post drove me to write yet another post. I will just try to voice the crux of the comments.
Some of the comments brought forward the idea that “beauty and brains cannot go together” while exactly the opposite one was “beauty is one’s perception”. Now I don’t want to fall into a debate but I think I will go with the second argument, as I truly agree with saying “beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder”. For me the most beautiful persons are those who love us unconditionally & unreasonably. They love us for what we are, without putting the question about “what we are not”.
One of my male friend has a desired set of qualities for a perfect match: a desired range of height, weight, specificity about complexion, hobbies, everything. I call him a kid. On contrary, the other friend describes the need of partner in a great detail, he says:
“She should be compassionate, loving, caring & understanding. She should be presentable in the society that’s all; other things will anyway change in the few years of marriage. But the basic condition is she should love me deeply, so deeply that could wait for me when I am away for some day. In the ups and downs of life, only that person will care for us & can live with us, who has power to wait for us, who has strength to bear our anger when we are disturbed for any reason and is cool for days together even if I am angry to hold our relation together, one who has passion & love till the level of craziness.
In the end what matters in the life is how much our companion loves us. If they look superb & don't love us life is a waste.”
I am blessed to have such a friend and pray that he gets such a person only!

One other comment on the blog which caught me up with thoughts was about the fortune or luck in the love relationships.
It reminds me of the song which used to come on TV channel DD a lot when I was a kid:
“Nanhe munhe bacche teri muthhi mein kya hai, muthi mein hai taqdeer hamari hamne kismat ko bas mein kiya hai….”
(Although English Translations of the songs don’t excite me but still I will try:
“Hey small kid what you have in your hands…I have my fate in my hands…I have captured it there…”)

I like this song a lot & firmly believe in it.
Apart from few unavoidable conditions, I think we usually are responsible for what happens in our lives; whether it is a decision related to career or the love life; we are responsible to a greater extent for it. Specially, if we are talking about sharing love in our lives, it is all dependent on us.
Let’s visualize some conditions:
a) “Someone who loves us a lot calls up at mid-night and says that they cannot live without us and instead of understanding their sentiments; we tell them to keep the phone down because it is disturbing our sleep.” Or,
b) “Someone calls up us in the office and asks us to return soon and we either give them a great lecture on the importance of career in our lives or tell them to keep the phone immediately down promising them to call back & never make a call in return.” Or,
c) “Someone tells us about their achievements to share their happiness with us but tell about their pain only when it is unbearable for them, and we keep disregarding their emotions.”

In condition (a) if the person is been there for long waiting for you then, it means that now the person has reached a limit where it is difficult for them to wait for you, they cannot cry in front of you so they prefer to call. It is the strength of their mind which stops them to disclose their feelings in front of others but their emotions and love for you forces them to call you up and express their feelings. If a night’s sleep is more important than their sentiments for you, then you deserve the misfortune in your love life.

In the second and third condition, the person may be having a great happiness to share, or a wish to spend sometime with you because they may have some pain which they don’t want to disclose. If you hurt them, you deserve what you call as bad luck in love life.

Putting both the above thoughts together; it all depends on us, whether we want to spend rest of our lives with a compassionate partner’s unfathomable love or an uncompassionate partner’s outstanding looks. Decide this before its too late…and you can’t step out...

When we talk about love & life I think it leads to an endless discussion. When I say love, I mean the bonding shared between two mature people, not between two school kids who have no direction sense about their life.
Few weeks back I happened to watch “Coffee with Karan” on Star World & the guests on the show were Malaika Arora & Amrita Arora. I know it was a bad choice but sometimes we can’t help it when all roomies want to watch the same show. So, it was me struggling to make sense out of those senseless talks. It was first time I got to know that those two young ladies are sisters. What was disastrous in the whole show was Karan asking Amrita about three qualities in her dream lover. The three which she mentioned with utmost pride were something like this,
“My dream man should
1) Wear good footwear
2) Have nice hands
3) Should smell good”

I almost outburst, but somehow controlled my emotions keeping in view the lovers of the show. In my opinion this kind of answer can be least expected from any sensible girl. But who will question the sensibility of film stars. ;-)

I don’t say that any girl will like a shabby guy, but then if she really loves you she doesn’t care for all this. She may give you frank opinions (unlike your other friends) about your personality like “Moustache or beard doesn’t suit you, so don’t keep it” or “You are putting on lots of weight, better start exercising.” But only for things like nice hands, good footwear a girl, I mean a sensible girl will rarely fall for.

As always love knows no reasons. As Pascal has very rightly said:

“Love has its own reasons, about which reason knows nothing”

He may have liked your innocence, your practicality or your juvenile spirit from far.
She may not be your friend, can be just a stranger, but she may adore you for your silent nature, your lone life, or your presence of mind which she would have admired from a safe distance.
I feel it is not necessary to be close to a person to fall in love, a person may get infatuated by some of our quality which many don’t like, something like our solitude or privacy or on the contrary our jovial nature. Then that infatuation may take the shape of love, longing, faith & commitment.
They have or develop slowly all of the above. Faith that we will understand their views; commitment for us over months & years; longing for that one sweet smile, one email or one phone call of ours; and love that’s as pious as the innocence of a child.

The only thing they lack is in reasoning. If we go & ask someone who loves us deeply, not only our lover, say our parents or siblings that “Why do you love me?” I am very sure they can’t give us a categorical answer. It is because like our lovers they simply love us just because they feel so, and not for some special reasons. They don’t expect anything from us and therefore in the same way don’t have any answer for, “What do you expect from me?”
One & only thing they want is to shower their love upon us & to show that they care. They understand the lonesome person inside you & want to fill your life with happiness.

How our relation becomes romantic and intimate; it all depends on how we handle our lover ;-) We hurt or we love them, it all depends on us.

Some people realize the worth of someone’s emotions, accept it in their life & their life is full of love all around. Some people continue searching for happiness in other materialistic things of the world and there life remains nothing more than a quest because the one who loves them is left somewhere in the way.

Do we also have some insane list of dream qualities like Miss Amrita which we keep searching in our dream lover?? ;-)

We are on which path??
We have to decide are we going to accept someone’s love or continue with our conservative endless search based on our so called reasoning.

(A lot more to write…let me take it another post…)

In the past few days, i noticed that the average no. of comments on my blog has increased compared to one or two earlier as I myself avoided commenting on other blogs due to not so good experiences with some fellow bloggers.

Now few of my last posts about love & life have caused minds to think and generated a chain of discussion, in which cute one from anubhav {apart from an irritating pop-up on his blog ;-) }is worth mentioning. :-)

I have decided to write a little more on this subject...

“Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.”

I got a mail from one of my colleagues & this line was in his email signature. I liked it so much that kept thinking about it & then started to write this.
What a beautiful use of the word irresistible.

- Have you ever been liked by someone so much that that person just cannot RESIST looking (I think I should rather say staring :-)) at you?
- Have you ever been liked by someone so much that the person cannot RESIST sending you emails every morning even when you rarely reply?
- Have you ever been liked by someone so much that person just cannot RESIST calling you, even when you rarely call?
- Have you ever been liked by someone so much that person just cannot RESIST asking you to join for a cup of coffee, even when you have never offered a treat from your side?
- Have you ever been liked by someone so much that person just cannot RESIST sending you lovely quotes daily even you have never sent one?

What a lovely list… I cannot RESIST myself jotting such loving instances using the word RESIST. The feeling…the thought of love only is so good, simply irresistible. ;-)

I imagine how difficult it would be for a lover to RESIST the emotions when the beloved is NEAR. But still I feel the love is TRUE only when someone likes you even when you are FAR, loves you without a reason & continues to love you whether you give love in return or not.

Loves you so much that when you are near doesn’t have words to express the feelings, keeps staring you, words are lost, tongue is tied. This leads me to the other word which I always associate with true love, and that is SELFLESS.

True love is SELFLESS… it never thinks that if sometimes the lover screams, it will hurts the self-respect…it is just like the affection of mother towards her baby…soft & gentle…pure & without expectations…
Although I think this form of love is rarely found today and for most of the times it just plain infatuation of one person towards the other. More than the passion it has become a fashion. People like discussing about it in public, “You know he is so smart.” or, “Oh God, she is simply ravishing.” are heard so often from people. It appears like they are always trying to woo one person or the other to have just someone by their side.

Very few are found who keep their feelings buried deep inside the heart & disclose only in front of their love. Those people are really worth loving who wait over months or years, giving you time to understand their emotions. Even when we break off, they keep looking at us in the hope that someday God will listen to their silent prayers & we will respond.

If while reading this you feel someone is silently waiting for you, just turn back, run & hold their hands. I know sometimes words are hard to find but then just an expression of ‘HI’ or a mail saying ‘HELLO, how are you?’ is not a bad start to begin with.

The sanctity, purity, innocence, spell-bounded everything about love is fine. But then how long they should wait in today’s practical world is also a debatable question. The message is clear, the message is loud: “True love is rarely found, if you sense it’s around you, before they are forced by the circumstances of world to forget you, go & hold it tight in both you arms, and never leave.”

In my search for reading more about philosophy of life, look what I found:

Bertrand Russell:
Three passions have governed my life: The longings for love, the search for knowledge, And unbearable pity for the suffering of [humankind].
Love brings ecstasy and relieves loneliness. In the union of love I have seen In a mystic miniature the prefiguring vision Of the heavens that saints and poets have imagined.
With equal passion I have sought knowledge. I have wished to understand the hearts of [people]. I have wished to know why the stars shine.
Love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens, But always pity brought me back to earth; Cries of pain reverberated in my heart Of children in famine, of victims tortured And of old people left helpless. I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot, And I too suffer.
This has been my life; I found it worth living.
Adapted

Isn’t it interesting to see that there is so much similarity between reasons which I posted as right things of the life: Love, Knowledge & human crisis matches exactly with Russell’s view? ;-)
Mine is a little modern approach you see;*::blink*
I have included the right job & reward for work also. :-)

In one of the my previous posts (A cup of tea) I remember, there was a line which said, ‘it is not about living, it is about how many lives you want to live in one life.’ Now, that post still has its charismatic effect on me. So, while having a cup of tea yesterday evening I started browsing quotes about life. ;-)

This one: “You only live once, but if you work it right, once is enough. --Joe Lewis” is so related to the thought. The only thing is the context of what is right varies from person to person. What is right for one may be wrong for other and vice versa. Ok, let’s try to make a list of what can be included in the list of right things for majority of us:

* Proper Knowledge
(But how do I know my knowledge is right or not? If you feel you still need to know many things, it is not proper. Keep analyzing :-))
* Perfect Job
(Till the time it keeps you challenged & your employer satisfied ;-))
* Loving Relations
(How can it be a measurable? As long as you and your actions are not breaking someone’s heart, the relations will be tied with love.)
* Reward for Hard work
(Right amount of efforts, at the right time, at the right place and with the right attitude make all the difference. If you think your efforts are not paying either the amount or attitude is wrong or you are at a wrong place at a wrong time. Change that factor ;-))

If you have these things(have I missed anything?) in the life, I feel the life once lived is enough. I love my life. How true is this quote:
“True, we love life, not because we are used to LIVING, but because we are used to LOVING. There is always some madness in love, but there is also always some reason in madness.--Friedrich Nietzsche”
Don’t search for happiness in the world; it is lying in one corner of your heart. To understand the thin line between happiness & pain, watch 21 grams, if you have not seen yet. It may not be the best film ever made, but definitely is the strange spectacle of extreme human emotions, crises and conflicts dissected from their context and transplanted into new combinations - effects which would be ruined by any attempt here to give advance notice of the underlying plot or of the characters that drive it. One thing which I got amazed at was ‘How the actress just falls for the person because he carries her husband’s heart?’ A really weak portrayal of female character in the movie, or may be because she was a drug addict and hence weak-hearted. Otherwise the reality of life is portrayed well
So, love your life and fill your life with love.
“Don't sacrifice your life to work and ideals. The most important things in life are human relations. I found that out too late. --Katharinde Susannah Prichard Australian Author”

Sometimes it is very nice to forget all your worries and get lost in music. Last night, I & my friends ‘tripped the light fantastic toe’ till late. A small room with dim lights, five gals and good music is great. It was simply fantastic loose the self in music & to forget all troubles. Dancing on the beats of ‘DU HAST’, or Dr. Alban’s ‘It’s my life’. The lyrics of the song, especially the lines

“Stop bugging me stop bothering me

It's my life.”

They take you away from all tensions.

These days are the best days of life, no worry, no bounds, and full freedom. It is rare to get the same bandwidth & line of thinking with your spouse. If you get it, its heaven, else it is hell. But why to worry now for that, when the better half comes, we will see. Till then just enjoy…and when worried just yell …It’s my life…!!

Sometimes my friend comes & asks me questions, which leads to a long discussion. She has asked me two of these in the past few days.
Before the question, let me give you the background of the first question.
She told me two girls had joined in her friend’s office. One of the girl’s brother also works in the same office. That girl’s brother & her friend fell into love & now are about to get married. So, what happened?
On this my friend said, c’mon how can someone love her friend’s brother. (As if it’s the first time she heard something like this :-))
She then asked me, “If you were in her position, would you have loved your friend’s brother?”
She always keeps puzzling me by putting me in others shoes & before I could speak she says confidently, I know you won’t. Usually I smile back & she laughs. But this time I surprised her by giving an answer.

I just winked & said ‘Hey, it depends on how good is my friend’s brother.’ ;-)
She just could not resist laughing.

Then other day she came up with another strange question. Now I don’t know the plot behind this question. ;-)

But the question was “Do you think there is something like one-sided love?”

No, please don’t think she is falling in love with someone and it is one-sided. She already shares a mature relationship with someone special.
Before I could answer, she like her usual habit blurted out, “No yaar, I don’t think there is anything like that.”
I was still clogged with the thought that what is she saying? I have myself witnessed many situations like:

A) A boy falls into love with a girl or vice-versa but never gets courage to propose, later both of them get married to different persons in life…
Just because they didn’t have courage to express their feelings, was it not love…or can it be assumed it was just one-sided & they never regretted in their life that at least they would have said it once…..

B) A boy falls into love with a girl or vice-versa, either of them gathers courage to express it but the other denies….
Just because other person denies, for whatsoever reasons, the love of that person holds null & void….or it can be assumed that this person will forget that love of the life & live happily, may be, but not always….

C) A boy falls into love with a girl or vice-versa, either of them gathers courage to express it but before he/she could express, tells to parents and…parents don’t agree, so instead of hurting the parents, he or she decides to forget…
Just because they didn’t have courage to hurt their parents’ feelings, was it not love….or can it be assumed it was just one-sided…..

I think love is just love. Its pure, pious & simple just like your lover….there are no sides, dimensions & angles to it….there are no expectations except the anticipation of being with your love…there are situations in life where we can’t accept someone’s love, before denying think about the depth of the person’s love, if its momentary don’t look back but if its unfeigned and still you can’t accept, at least respect the feelings of that person and be thankful to God that someone prays somewhere for your well-being even when you are sleeping….
I was bubbled with emotions & so I replied to her the same.

Yesterday when I was sitting alone & having tea in the canteen, I was lost somewhere in my tensions. Suddenly I heard two guys in the table next to me talking. One of them was doing other's leg-pulling. He said to him, "You are great, work terribly hard during the week & then enjoy nicely on the weekend with your girlfriend." That guy continued, "In the initial days when I joined the office, I used to think that this fellow is such a geek, I don't think he knows anything in the world except his work."
My mind was diverted now I was just sipping my tea & listening to them. The person who was till now silently listening to him, started laughing and then suddenly became serious.
He said, "Career, family & love affair are separate parts of life, I try to adjust so as to make them work in a synchronized fashion but still keeping them disjoint. When I m at work, I keep family & girlfriend apart, but at the same time until & unless there is a deadline I like spending evenings & weekends with my family or girlfriend. All hold importance in my life. Career gives me focus, parents give me motivation and girlfriend gives me space. She was my colleague in previous office and we just occasionally saw each other while in passage. I don’t know how she started liking me. I used to behave like a true geek, when I wanted, I used to call her for coffee but at times I intentionally not responded her mails, then, she wrote about her own matters, without pressing me or questioning me about mine. Initially I was really an idiot, I used to ask her dumb questions like, why do you like me, what do you expect from me. She just politely used to say nothing. I realized slowly that she wants me near her but then how she gives me freedom to make my choices & now with her I can discuss all the issues related to me or career which at times we don't even share with friends & she makes me feel that someone is there who is innocent, who waits for me & is concerned about my happiness."
I know its bad to listen to someone's private conversation but somehow I was not able to resist myself!!
He said "I see these days even school-kids want to have girlfriend or boyfriend. It’s annoying because it hardly has earnestness. But at our age, with life full of tensions, you should definitely have someone who shares joys & pains exclusively with you, who eagerly waits for your phone calls & emails, whose weekends are meant only for you. Who is as loving as mom, caring & practical as friend, with whom you can talk about anything & everything under the sun, who makes you feel you are special. One who is practical when talks about career, and is intelligent to move in society. She has her own romanticism, keeps her love secret from the world but when you go near she forgets everything."
What he said in the last is still fresh in my mind.
He said "Sometimes in life we are so much pre-occupied with ourselves, that we neglect the love knocking at our door. It is not about just living, it’s about how many lives you want to live in one life."

He smiled & said right now we are in office so let's keep my girlfriend apart, they laughed & then started talking about their project. I finished my tea & came back to my cube.

Yesterday I recieved a sms from a friend, which said:
"Never ignore a person who loves you, cares for you and misses you.
Bcoz one day you may wake up and realise that you have lost a diamond while collecting stones."

Although, I found the sms to be perfectly right. I was thinking, what the heck is this. This idiosyncrasy in people to use this word so lightly & giving their lust or infatuation, the name of love.

So, I decided to read if there is a scentific background behind this thing called 'Love'.
I have mentiond down a small part of what I read in a detailed study(Please read it only if you have patience & free time):
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We all have a template for the ideal partner buried somewhere in our subconscious. It is this love map that decides which person in that crowded room catches our eye. But how is this template formed?
Appearance
Many researchers have speculated that we tend to go for members of the opposite sex who remind us of our parents. Some have even found that we tend to be attracted to those who remind us of ourselves. Cognitive psychologist David Perrett, at the University of St. Andrews in Scotland, did an experiment in which he morphed a digitized photo of the subject's own face into a face of the opposite sex. Then, he had the subject select from a series of photos which one he or she found most attractive. According to Dr. Perrett, his subjects always preferred the morphed version of their own face (and they didn't recognize it as their own).

Personality
Like appearance, we tend to form preferences for those who remind us of our parents (or others close to us through childhood) because of their personality, sense of humor, likes and dislikes, etc.

Pheromones
The debated topic of human pheromones still carries some weight in the field of love research. The word "pheromone" comes from the Greek words pherein and hormone, meaning "excitement carrier".
________________________________________________________
Apart from the love template formed, the various stages of Love were also defined.
________________________________________________________

There are three distinct types or stages of "love":
Lust, or erotic passion,
Attraction, or romantic passion
Attachment, or commitment
When all three of these happen with the same person, you have a very strong bond.

While the initial feelings may (or may not) come from lust, what happens next -- if the relationship is to progress- is attraction. When attraction, or romantic passion, comes into play, we often lose our ability to think rationally-at least when it comes to the object of our attraction. The old saying "love is blind" is really accurate in this stage.

The attachment, or commitment, stage is love for the duration. You've passed fantasy love and are entering into real love. This stage of love has to be strong enough to withstand many problems and distractions. Studies by University of Minnesota researcher Ellen Berscheid and others have shown that the more we idealize the one we love, the stronger the relationship during the attachment stage.

The feelings of passionate love, however, do lose their strength over time.
Suddenly your lover has faults. Why has he or she changed, you may wonder. Actually, your partner probably hasn't changed at all; it's just that they're now able to see rationally, rather than through the blinding hormones of infatuation and passionate love.
At this stage, the relationship is either strong enough to endure, or the relationship ends. If someone continues to persist strongly with these feelings then this relation exists in their mind forever.

They pose they have broken all the strings attached to you if you break their heart at this level. They may impersonate to have fraudulent behavior, and say that they will leave you or forget you. But the reality is that they have reached the state of love when they are highly committed & want only commitment in return. They are in the final stage of love which is called attachment and actually can do anything for you but they can never forget you.
________________________________________________________
There may be different stages or hormones involved for such feelings.
My opinion after reading all this study is:
Whatever you do, don't lose your head.
Surely you are the best judge and can tell the difference between a fleeting attraction which lasts for few weeks or a steady love that has continued against all the ups & downs of life for months or years.